November 1, 2014
I always seem to have a million thoughts racing through my head these days. I weighed this morning and I’m officially down 95lbs. This number includes my pre-op diet I was required to do. Thanks to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS) I lost less than 10 pounds on an entire week of liquid diet! Which was the justification I needed that I was doing the right thing by having the sleeve surgery. My friends I had made online through a support group that did not have an endocrine or metabolic disorder had lost 20 to 30 pounds on their pre-op diets. Don’t get me wrong…. I was thankful for the not quite double digit weight loss. But that was the story of my life. Working hard at eating better and exercising with minor results. Followed by giving up and gaining what I lost plus some added pounds.
95 pounds! That’s so close to 100 pounds lost!!!! I’m so proud of myself. However, I’ve caught myself falling back into old eating habits. So as of the last few weeks I’ve been trying to make healthier choices. Because of this my scale is starting to move again. Yea!
Today is Saturday. I have some errands to run so I get up and attempt to find pants that fit. My fitting pants are now loose. I’m so frustrated. I have on a very baggy pair of jeans as I write this. But as I said, these days I have so many thoughts racing through my head. I’m reminded of how thankful I am for these baggy pants. Appropriately this is November 1st. What better day to remind yourself of things you’re thankful for than the month of thankfulness. This time last year I was laying down on my bed just to get my size 20 pants zipped! I was avoiding buying that size 22 I knew I needed. Now this size 16 I have on is way too big. I’m thankful!
I’m also thankful I have the energy to get some things done today that need to be done. Now if I will just actually get them done. (Yea for finally getting an inspection sticker on my car that went out in September!) I’m also A.D.D. I have the hardest time focusing. The weight loss seems to have made it worse. Before I couldn’t focus and I was too tired to do anything or worry with it. I was too tired to care. Now I have the energy to deal with things, but I start something and then I think of something else that needs to be done and I start doing that. Thus leaving an unending list of things unfinished. This list leaves me anxious and moody. I’m still trying to figure out an appropriate plan on how to address this situation. I’m sure my husband would appreciate my figuring it out.
Anxiousness…I’m feeling it right now. As of last week I am officially off of my antidepressants(with my doctors clearance). I am very happy about this, but they have been a crutch for so long that I can’t help but think that maybe I still need them. When in reality I know I don’t. When I stop to think about why I am feeling this way I am met with the reality that I have a lot going on right now. I’m dreading this week because I have to go out of town Wednesday after work for my job. I won’t get to come home till Saturday night. As I have said I am a registered dental assistant and my job is sending me to a seminar a few hours away to learn about a product we are going to start selling. I’m excited about the learning part, but not the packing and the getting there part. Packing means I have to go through my closet and see that I have no appropriate clothes to wear. Usually events like this you dress business causal(I’m still not sure I know exactly what this is…). I have baggy jeans and t-shirts. I haven’t spent a lot of money on clothes because I am still losing weight. Now I am going to have to go spend money I don’t have on clothes I won’t be able to wear for long. Not my idea of fun.
As a previous obese person I am having to adjust my shopping attitude. I still have the attitude I had when I was obese when it comes to shopping for clothes. I dread it. I still find myself navigating to the plus size section. I have to remind myself that I no longer have to shop in that department. Usually by the end of my shopping experience I am in a little better mood. That is till I have to pay. Hopefully I can find time this week to go to a consignment shop and find some nice clothes for a fraction of the price. I can, after all, find clothes in my size now in consignment shops.
As I try to wrap up this longer than intended post I have one more thing to add. My husband and I started seeing a fertility specialist at the beginning of October. We are in the early stages of this journey and I am not cleared by my surgeon to actually start TTC(trying to conceive) till January which will be my one year anniversary since my WLS(weight loss surgery). This is a huge source of my anxiety. With the weight loss, things in my body have started to work that have not worked in a very long time if they every worked at all. I have gotten good news and some not so good news(but doable). I am working on a blog post right now that I took a small break from. It’s long and involves a lot of me sharing in depth about my story and what brought me to this point in my life. To be honest it scares me a little…ok a lot….to be this transparent. But if I can help even one person with my story then it is well worth it for me.
I have wanted children for a long time and I finally feel like it could possibly be in reach. In this month of thankfulness I will try to focus on the things I am thankful for rather than the things that cause me so much anxiety. I am thankful I have no clothes to wear to this dental seminar. I am thankful that I have been crying so much lately because my body is producing hormones that it had stopped making because of my weight gain. I am a Christian and with saying that I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father has an awesome plan for my life and my marriage. Anything that is thrown my way I can overcome by having the faith and the knowledge to know He will help me through. I have faith.
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
I hope everyone has a wonderful beginning to the holiday season. Try to stop and think about the things you are thankful for. This is my absolute favorite time of year and I plan on trying to savor every moment! In the mean time I will try to work more on my TMI blog post and get it posted as soon as possible. LOL. Hope everyone has a blessed weekend!