To Clean Or Not To Clean….

I seem to be struggling a little today. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s bothering me though. Today is Saturday, my reward day for working so hard during the week. As I look around my house and see all of the misplaced items, I can’t help but think I need to get off my bum and do some cleaning. Every part of me is protesting the thought of cleaning though. My husband is asleep next to me on the couch and I think, maybe I should take a nap too. After all, I worked really hard this week and deserve some down time. Keep in mind it is already noon. I slept till 9:30 this morning and have done nothing more than take my supplements, drink some coffee and enjoy half of a bacon and egg taquito while browsing Facebook. Doesn’t that qualify as downtime? 87lbs ago Tracey considered a whole day or two as downtime. The slightly more energetic Tracey can’t quite justify sitting here on my iPad all day. But I still have yet to make a move from the couch. I even just took a break to comment on a video I shared on Facebook of a goat. What can I say?…I’m on fire today. In my defense the goat is adorable.

Where was I? Oh yes…my downtime. My mother called me about an hour ago and is a busy little bee going through stuff in their storage building getting ready for the garage sale we have planned this next weekend. My mother is so cute. She keeps sending me pictures of stuff she finds and is asking if it’s mine. She then asks if I want to keep or get rid of. Lol. This is what I need to be doing, but I’m not. I have this fluttery feeling in my chest and am feeling anxious, but why? It makes me think of Philippians 4:6 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God”. I’ve spoken with my Heavenly Father this morning and prayed He would give me a peace that I so much need right now. Most of my grievances I know are from my job. Situations there are ever changing and I’m having a difficult time coping. After bariatric surgery your body goes through so many changes. Throw additional life changes in with that and it quickly becomes a mess. Some days I haven’t even recognized myself. And not in the way of my appearances, but in the way of my actions. I have always loved that I was an easy going person at work and I didn’t get my feathers ruffled easily. I certainly didn’t cause any wakes if I didn’t agree with the way things were going. In fact you had to really disrespect me and treat me bad for me to push back. I had my boundaries. Now I’m not clear where my boundaries are. Every thing seems to aggravate me. Maybe it’s because I feel like I have no consistency with life. I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I do believe I am becoming a better person. I’m definitely stronger in my career and I have more confidence than I have ever had. Now if I can just keep my attitude positive. It’s something I work on daily.

Bariatric surgery is not easy. It’s a life changing decision no matter which type of surgery you choose. I chose to have the vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I haven’t regretted my decision once… well maybe once. I had a moment of buyers remorse my second night in the hospital while vomiting for 5 hours straight. All I could think is, “what have I done to myself?!” Turns out my sugar was pretty low. Once they gave me some glucose in my IV I slowly recovered. I reminded myself that I knew this wouldn’t be an easy road when I chose to do it. I did my research and for the most part knew what I was in for. The good has far outweighed the bad. I’m getting my health back one day at a time and my life along with it. I’m thankful that I feel guilty for sitting on my bum and not accomplishing anything. Because 87lbs heavier Tracey didn’t give a crap. I didn’t have the energy to care.

I have so much excitement and hope for my future. I just sometimes have to stop for a second and refocus when things get blurred. In 2 weeks my husband and I have an appointment with a fertility specialist. My bariatric surgeon has given me the go ahead to start trying to conceive in January which will be my 1 year anniversary(surgiversary as we like to call it). I want to go ahead and consult and get some of the testing out of the way so we will be good to go come January. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’m especially nervous about the financial aspect of it. I just pray for God’s will in my life and I know He will provide a way for whatever is meant to be. My husband and I dearly want a little family of our own and have for some time. I have plenty of things to look forward to. We would greatly appreciate prayers during this time.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the LORD,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

That is one of the verses I cling to. I know there are great things ahead for me!

As I sit here and listen to my husbands little snore as he is relaxing away, I know it’s time to get up and do my wifely duty. Make lots of racket while doing a little cleaning around the house!!!
I’ve decided I will set a timer for 30 mins, turn on some “happy” music and see what kind of cleaning I can get done in that time frame. Who knows maybe I will find some additional energy and keep going. And if I’m really lucky my husband will wake up and help me! A girl can dream can’t she?!

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